


Reunion

by introvertandproud



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: BAMF Spencer Reid, Gen, High School Reunion, Profiling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25765999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/introvertandproud/pseuds/introvertandproud
Summary: Reid begrudgingly attends his high school reunion and finds that profiling is not just to be used on UnSubs.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 396





	Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happens when a former bullied kid writes a vent fic. Enjoy!

What was he doing here? This was such a bad idea. Why did let Morgan and Rossi persuade him to come to this? Damn their encouragements. Reid was almost certain that Rossi had used his hostage negotiator tactics on him.

“But that’s not all our guest speakers tonight,” the infuriatingly cheerful woman chirped, “Please give a warm welcome back to your class valedictorian: Spencer Reid!”

There was a smattering of half-hearted applause accompanied by a multitude of snickers. Spencer’s cheeks burned.

_ Great. They’re already laughing at me. _

He was trying to come up with an excuse not to go up when Rossi’s advice came back to him.

_ Just tell them the truth, that’s impressive enough. _

Spencer took a deep breath, forced a smile, and mounted the steps to the stage.

“So nice to see you again, Spencer!” said the woman whom Reid was sure he’d never met, “Now tell us, what have you been doing? Did you go to college?”

“Uh, y-yeah.” In a cruel cliche, the microphone chose that moment to screech feedback at him.

The woman didn’t seem to notice. “Oh, where did you go?”

“Uh, I did my undergraduate work at, um, CalTech, a-and my PhDs in Mathematics and Chemistry,” Spencer stammered, “But-but then I went to MIT f-for my, uh, for my PhD in Engineering.”

His former classmates stared at him in silent astonishment. Even Mike Jenkins, former quarterback and bully ringleader, had the decency to look shocked.

“I’m sorry.” The hostess actually looked rather flustered now. “How many PhDs did you say you have?”

_ Here it comes. They think I’m a freak. _

“Uh, three.” More silence. Reid could feel his blush returning full force. “So, i-it’s Dr. Spencer Reid.”

“Wow!” And suddenly the cheerful demeanor was back, “That’s quite an achievement! And what about work?” She nodded toward his badge, hanging on his belt just as Rossi had advised. “I see you have a badge. Are you a police officer?”

_ Why would someone with three PhDs become a police officer? _

Spencer could hear Morgan’s voice in his head answering.

_ Why would someone with three PhDs become an FBI agent? _

Since when was Morgan the voice of his rational thought?

“Uh, not exactly. I work for the FBI, the, um, the Behavioral Analysis Unit.”

“The FBI? That’s wonderful!” the hostess practically squealed, “And what exactly does the Behavioral Analysis Unit do, or can you tell us?” She said the last bit with an over-the-top mysterious air.

_ People really need to stop thinking the FBI is like the CIA. _

“We analyze the behavior and psychology of criminals to catch them,” Spencer explained easily. This he could talk about confidently. After all, how many times had he promoted the Bureau or the BAU?

“Wow, that’s-“

“Oh, come on!”

Reid looked for the source of the outburst and found his dissenter to be none other than Mike Jenkins.

“You psychoanalyze criminals to catch them? Does anyone actually believe this?”

Spencer could easily have said nothing, but when faced with one of his old bullies, all he could think of were Gideon’s words years ago.

_ The deadliest weapon we have is a thorough and accurate profile. _

Morgan’s advice flashed through his head.

_ Profile them. Show them you’re the smartest person in the room. _

And his decision was made.

“You don’t believe in profiling, Mike?” His voice didn’t so much as waver.

Mike scoffed, “No.”

“Really? You say you go to the gym everyday, but judging by the weight you’ve put on, you peaked back in high school and now lead a sedentary lifestyle. You claim to be a firefighter but the marks on your wrists are from the edge of a desk.”

Mike’s eyes widened, but Reid wasn’t finished.

“You said you’re happily married, and do have a ring, but with the amount of times I’ve seen you fidget with it, I would infer that you’re not used to wearing it. Why? Well, that leads me to the final point of my profile.”

Mike was getting angry now. Spencer didn’t care.

“The picture of your kids that you so proudly show off is two years old, but you don’t have a more recent photo because your wife took the kids when she left you.”

Mike was furious. “You smartass son of a bitch!” He started toward the stage, but Reid held his ground.

“I must remind you, Mike, that assaulting a federal agent is a crime punishable by jail time.”

Mike stopped in his tracks. Spencer smirked and turned to Alexa Lisbon.

“And Alexa, you claimed to have kept you looks, but anyone looking at you up close will see the copious amounts of makeup you have on. And as for that Stanford education, anyone who actually did attend Stanford University would know that it’s located in Palo Alto, not San Diego. You bragged to everyone that you became an actress, but after seeing your calloused hands and watching you, someone who looks down on everyone you personally deem below you, be kind to the waitstaff, I’d say that waitress is a more accurate term. Everyone here has heard that you’re single and ready to mingle, but if the tan line on your finger is any indication, you removed your ring so no one would know that you’re cheating on your husband. And finally, you don’t have kids, nor, I think, will you ever, since people in extramarital affairs often refuse sex from their spouses.”

Alexa was staring at him with wide eyes and a hand pressed to her mouth. The room was dead silent, everyone looking at either Mike, Alexa, or Spencer. Even the hostess seemed shocked.

“I didn’t want to come to this reunion,” Reid continued, “But my friends convinced me to go. And now I see that you are all the same bullying, self-obsessed teenagers that you were in high school. Good night.”

And with that, Spencer returned the microphone to the frozen hostess, walked off the stage, and straight out the door.


End file.
